The Boredom Times - Technology

Cell Phone Implants to be on shelves next July
The burden of holding your cellphone in your hand to talk on it was alleviated when earpieces were invented, but now it gets even easier! Implants!

There are three easy implants which have a 99.5% success rate and cost roughly $400 to have installed. The mic is installed on the right joint of your lips and the earpiece is installed next to your eardrum. The third piece is the sensor pads installed in your finger tips.

How does it work? The Boredom Times got down and dirty and found out how this product works. Although it doesn't have the pretty color LCD screen, or the games, it doesn't require ANY batteries because it runs off your bodies impulses. The downside to this, if you die, your phone call will be disconnected. When you want to make a phone call, you just snap twice and in your ear you will hear, "Who would you like to call." At this time you state the phone number or the person you want to call, and you're connected!

What about the risk of cancer? The Boredom Times was ontop of that question faster than a fraternity guy to a drunken sorority girl. The response given to us was, "Of course theres a risk for cancer. So does eating chocolate bars, breathing, and everything else we do in life. Just shut up and buy it."

What about upgrades? Well, since there are no cool features, theres really nothing to upgrade. The chips installed are universal, but only work with one company, so, think of it as a lifetime contract. When asked what happens if you cancel your plan, an executive responded, "Well, lets just say I wouldn't recommend it. ... ... Its not that the fines for doing so are high... It's the 'early termination device...' Oh god... I think I've said too much"

In conclusion, the procedure sounds safe, the idea sounds cool, but I'll just stick with my old hands-not-free cellphone and my rubber band: