Starbucks Says: No More Coffee

In a press release given on Tuesday, August 12th, Starbucks announced that it will no longer serve coffee at any of its retailers. "We shall stick to lattes, espressos, frappachinos, and other high quality beverages. We here at starbucks believe that coffee is low class, and is an addictive substance such as tobacco." exclaimed the spokesperson for Starbucks.

"Why are you doing all this?" was the outcry of the press. "Starbucks is the BMW or Lexus of caffeine enriched beverages. Selling Coffee is beneath us. It ruins our reputation... When you are buying starbucks, you aren't just paying for your beverage, you are paying for the name and the feeling you get when you drink Starbucks. You're paying for the image you get when you are drinking it. All those 'Wow, look at that sexy man/woman who's drinking Starbucks' comments. Thats what you pay for." the spokesperson continued.

After the press release, The Boredom Times was lucky enough to get the spokesperson for a personal interview. (By luck enough, we mean we bound and gagged him until he agreed).
"So is coffee really that low class?" asked Pen Pen, our interviewer.

"Well, You have to understand. Coffee is evil. Starbucks is good. Do you really want to support terrorism? Coffee is made by people who support terrorists, Starbucks' products are not. So, its american to buy Starbucks." The spokesperson responded slowly, looking for a way out of room.
"There are millions of coffee drinkers out there who like their coffee black with a bit of sugar, what do you have to say to them, those that used to rely on you for coffee."
"There are also millions of crackheads running the streets, that doesn't mean we are going to supply crack to them. We are prestigious ..." After saying that, the Starbucks spokesperson bolted for the door and could not be caught.